Building Strong Families - Healthy Limits

Healthy limits

Healthy limits need to be established when sharing feelings, setting expectations, and giving choices to your grandchildren. Healthy limits may include rules that reflect your beliefs and values as well as boundaries that help you distinguish your needs from the needs of your grandchildren.

Sharing feelings

How do you know if what you want to share with your grandchildren is appropriate? You must consider how it will affect your grandchildren. If you were to tell your grandchildren the details of your experience, would they become confused, burdened, or overwhelmed? If so, it's probably not a good idea to share these details. Remember, sharing feelings is important. However, be selective and careful about sharing adult details so as not to create an unhealthy boundary.

Setting expectations

How do you know if the expectations you have for your grandchildren are appropriate? The best way to know is to better understand the stages of child development (See a Crash Course in Child Development on this blog). For example, it would be inappropriate to let your granddaughter, age 7, decide when to go to bed. At 7 years old, your granddaughter does not have the ability to understand the consequences of going to bed late. On the other hand, negotiating a bed time with your 14-year-old grandson would be more appropriate because he can understand the consequences of going to bed late and likely needs to feel he has a say in making some decisions. Having realistic expectations for your grandchildren's behavior will help you establish household rules that are both consistent and flexible.

Giving choices

How do you know when to give choices to your grandchild? First, it is important to consider your grandchildren's safety: Will they still be safe if they are free to make a particular decision? Next, you need to consider the role you play in giving choices. Taking too much control of your grandchildren's decisions may lead to over-dependence and difficulty making independent decisions as they mature. On the other hand, being permissive can lead to too much independence and can result in the failure to recognize negative consequences for actions. So, how do you find the balance? Begin by asking yourself the following questions:
If I realize my behavior is too controlling...

·         Can I trust my grandchild to do what he is ready to do?

·         Am I willing to let her make safe decisions and learn from her mistakes?

·         Can I let go for the sake of creating a healthy relationship?

If I realize my behavior is too permissive...

·         Am I aware of the importance in guiding my grandchild's choices?

·         Am I willing to provide support in helping him make decisions?

·         Am I willing to play an active role in her life for the sake of creating a strong relationship?

Source:

IFAS Extension, The university of Florida