Talk to An Attorney

The (grand)mother lode of info is at AARP, where Maggie Biscarr of the AARP Foundation Grandparent Information Center put together this care package of tips for grandparents whose primary concern changed, in an instant, from retirement — to raising a family.

Tip 1 - 
Talk to an Attorney

There are multiple formal legal arrangements — kinship care via your state's foster-care system, adoption, legal guardianship, legal custody — that enable you to qualify for certain benefits and make decisions about your grandchild's life. Options vary from state to state. Visit GrandFamiliesofAmerica.com for an explanation of these types of arrangements. Go toFindLegalHelp.org for legal help or low-cost services. Grandfamilies of America also offers access to a lawyer via its toll-free hotline.

The National Committee of Grandparents for Children's Rights has chapters in 40 states and keeps a list of recent rulings and child-care agencies at Grandparentsforchildren.org.

From grandparents.com

Stick With It

A recent University of Chicago study of 13,000 grandparents ages 50 to 80 showed that grandmothers who took over as primary caregivers, for grandkids whose parents were not present in the home, reported initial declines in their health. This need not be reason to fret, though. The researchers also reported that grandparents who stuck with it saw a modest improvement in their health, which suggests that the negative effect of becoming primary caretaker disappears as the arrangement continues.

From "You're a Parent...Again" by Amanda Long (Grandparents.com)

Dealing with Separation Anxiety

Helping children with separation anxiety disorder

You can help your child combat separation anxiety disorder by taking steps to make him or her feel safer. Providing a sympathetic environment at home can make your child feel more comfortable, and making changes at school may help reduce your child’s symptoms. Even if your efforts don’t completely solve the problem, your empathy can only make things better.

Tips for dealing with separation anxiety in children

The following tips can help you create a stable and supportive environment for your child.

• Educate yourself about separation anxiety disorder. If you learn about how your child experiences this disorder, you can more easily sympathize with his or her struggles.
• Listen to and respect your child’s feelings. For a child who might already feel isolated by his or her disorder, the experience of being listened to can have a powerful healing effect.
• Talk about the issue. It’s healthier for children to talk about their feelings—they don’t benefit from “not thinking about it.” Be empathetic, but also remind the child—gently—that he or she survived the last separation.
• Anticipate separation difficulty. Be ready for transition points that can cause anxiety for your child, such as going to school or meeting with friends to play. If your child separates from one parent more easily than the other, have that parent handle the drop off.

Tips for helping children with separation anxiety feel safe and secure

• Provide a consistent pattern for the day. Don’t underestimate the importance of predictability for children with separation anxiety problems. If your family’s schedule is going to change, discuss it ahead of time with your child.
• Set limits. Let your child know that although you understand his or her feelings, there are rules in your household that need to be followed.
• Offer choices. If your child is given a choice or some element of control in an activity or interaction with an adult, he or she may feel more safe and comfortable.

Tips for encouraging healthy separation and independence in children

• Keep calm during separation. If your child sees that you can stay cool, he or she is more likely to be calm, too.
• Support the child's participation in activities. Encourage your child to participate in healthy social and physical activities.
• Help a child who has been absent from school return as quickly as possible. Even if a shorter school day is necessary initially, children's symptoms are more likely to decrease when they discover that they can survive the separation.
• Praise your child’s efforts. Use the smallest of accomplishments—going to bed without a fuss, a good report from school—as reason to give your child positive reinforcement. 

From HelpGuide.org - a trusted non-profit

Causes of Separation Anxiety

Common causes of separation anxiety disorder in children

Learn to Recognize Hidden Stress

Watch 3-min. video: Roadblocks to awareness

Separation anxiety disorder occurs because a child feels unsafe in some way. Take a look at anything that may have thrown your child’s world off balance, or made him or her feel threatened or could have upset your child’s normal routine. If you can pinpoint the root cause—or causes—you’ll be one step closer to helping your child through his or her struggles.
The following are common causes of separation anxiety disorder in children:

• Change in environment. In children prone to separation anxiety, it is possible that changes in surroundings—like a new house, school, or day care situation—could trigger separation anxiety disorder.
• Stress. Stressful situations like switching schools, or the loss of a loved one, including a pet, can trigger separation anxiety disorder.
• Over-protective parent. In some cases, separation anxiety disorder may be the manifestation of the parent’s own anxiety—parents and children can feed one another’s anxieties.

Separation anxiety or trauma?

If it seems like your child’s separation anxiety disorder happened overnight, the cause might be something related to a traumatic experience rather than separation anxiety. Although these two conditions can share symptoms, they are treated differently. Help your child benefit from the most fitting treatment.

From HelpGuide.org - a trusted non-profit

Symptoms of Separation Anxiety

Symptoms of separation anxiety disorder in children

from HelpGuide.com - a trusted non-profit

Separation anxiety disorder is NOT a normal stage of development, but a serious emotional problem characterized by extreme distress when a child is away from the primary caregiver. However, since normal separation anxiety and separation anxiety disorder share many of the same symptoms, it can be confusing to try to figure out if your child just needs time and understanding—or has a more serious problem.
The main differences between healthy separation anxiety and separation anxiety disorder are the intensity of your child’s fears, and whether these fears keep him or her from normal activities. Children with separation anxiety disorder may become agitated at just the thought of being away from mom or dad, and may complain of sickness to avoid playing with friends or attending school. When symptoms are extreme enough, these anxieties can add up to a disorder.

Common symptoms of separation anxiety disorder: worries and fears

Kids with separation anxiety disorder feel constantly worried or fearful about separation. Many kids are overwhelmed with one or more of the following:

• Fear that something terrible will happen to a loved one. The most common fear a child with separation anxiety disorder experiences is the worry that harm will come to a loved one in the child's absence. For example, the child may constantly worry about a parent becoming sick or getting hurt.
• Worry that an unpredicted event will lead to permanent separation. Kids with separation anxiety disorder may fear that once separated from a parent, something will happen to keep the separation. For example, they may worry about being kidnapped or getting lost.
• Nightmares about separation. Children with separation anxiety problems often have scary dreams about their fears.

Common symptoms of separation anxiety disorder: refusals and sickness

Separation anxiety disorder can get in the way of kids’ normal activities. Children with this disorder often:

• Refuse to go to school. A child with separation anxiety disorder may have an unreasonable fear of school, and will do almost anything to stay home.
• Display reluctance to go to sleep. Separation anxiety disorder may make these children insomniacs, either because of the fear of being alone or due to nightmares about separation.
• Complain of physical sickness like a headache or stomachache. At the time of separation, or before, children with separation disorder often complain they feel ill.
• Cling to the caregiver. Children with separation anxiety problems may shadow you around the house or cling to your arm or leg if you attempt to step out. 

Separation Anxiety

Separation Anxiety in Children

Easing Separation Anxiety Disorder

It's natural for your young child to feel anxious when you say goodbye. Although it can be difficult, separation anxiety is a normal stage of development. With understanding and these coping strategies, separation anxiety can be relieved–and should fade as your child gets older. However, if anxieties intensify or are persistent enough to get in the way of school or other activities, your child may have separation anxiety disorder. This condition may require professional treatment–but there is also a lot that you as a parent can do to help.

In This Article:

• Separation anxiety
• Symptoms
• Helping a child
• Common causes
• Your own anxiety
• Professional help
• Treatment

Separation anxiety in children: what’s normal and what’s not

In early childhood, crying, tantrums, or clinginess are healthy reactions to separation. Separation anxiety can begin before a child’s first birthday, and may pop up again or last until a child is four years old, but both the intensity level and timing of separation anxiety vary tremendously from child to child. A little worry over leaving mom or dad is normal, even when your child is older. You can ease your child’s separation anxiety by staying patient and consistent, and by gently but firmly setting limits.
Some kids, however, experience separation anxiety that doesn’t go away, even with a parent’s best efforts. These children experience a continuation or reoccurrence of intense separation anxiety during their elementary school years or beyond. If separation anxiety is excessive enough to interfere with normal activities like school and friendships, and lasts for months rather than days, it may be a sign of a larger problem: separation anxiety disorder.

Easing normal separation anxiety in children

For children with normal separation anxiety, there are steps you can take to make the process of separation anxiety easier.

• Practice separation. Leave your child with a caregiver for brief periods and short distances at first.
• Schedule separations after naps or feedings. Babies are more susceptible to separation anxiety when they’re tired or hungry.
• Develop a “goodbye” ritual. Rituals are reassuring and can be as simple as a special wave through the window or a goodbye kiss.
• Keep familiar surroundings when possible and make new surroundings familiar. Have the sitter come to your house. When your child is away from home, let him or her bring a familiar object.
• Have a consistent primary caregiver. If you hire a caregiver, try to keep him or her on the job.
• Leave without fanfare. Tell your child you are leaving and that you will return, then go—don’t stall.
• Minimize scary television. Your child is less likely to be fearful if the shows you watch are not frightening.
• Try not to give in. Reassure your child that he or she will be just fine—setting limits will help the adjustment to separation.

Caregiving - Accept Your Feelings

Family caregiving tip 1: Accept your feelings

Caregiving can trigger a host of difficult emotions, including anger, fear, resentment, guilt, helplessness, and grief. It's important to acknowledge and accept what you're feeling, both good and bad. Don't beat yourself up over your doubts and misgivings. These feelings don't mean that you don't love your family member—they simply mean you're human.

What you may feel about being a family caregiver

• Anxiety and worry – You may worry about how you will handle the additional responsibilities of caregiving and what will happen to your family member if something happens to you. You may also fear what will happen in the future as your loved one’s illness progresses.
  
• Anger or resentment – You may feel angry or resentful toward the person you’re caring for, even though you know it’s irrational. Or you might be angry at the world in general, or resentful of other friends or family members who don’t have your responsibilities.
  
• Guilt – You may feel guilty for not doing more, being a "better" caregiver, having more patience, accepting your situation with more equanimity, or in the case of long distance caregiving, not being available more often.
  
• Grief – There are many losses that can come with caregiving (the healthy future you envisioned with your spouse or child; the goals and dreams you’ve had to set aside). If the person you’re caring for is terminally ill, you’re also dealing with that grief.

Even when you understand why you're feeling the way you do, it can still be upsetting. In order to deal with your feelings, it's important to talk about them. Don't keep your emotions bottled up, but find at least one person you trust to confide in.

Places you can turn for caregiver support include:

• Family members or friends who will listen without judgment
  
• Your church, temple, or other place of worship
  
• Caregiver support groups at a local hospital or online
  
• A therapist, social worker, or counselor
  
• National caregiver organizations
  
• Organizations specific to your family member’s illness or disability 

Health Insurance

Health insurance for grandparents raising grandchildren

Health insurance can be a headache for grandchildren. Even healthy children will most likely need several doctor visits for physicals and routine illnesses, and those bills can rapidly add up. The first thing to check is with your specific healthcare plan for provisions.
In many states, you may need to be the child's legal guardian in order to add them to your plan. If you are currently receiving Medicare, your options will be limited. Look into enrolling your child into Medicaid or check your state's Children's Health Insurance Program. Even if your income is above limits, you may be able to enroll just your grandchild.

• Medicaid – Medicaid provides healthcare coverage for qualified low-income children and adults. Medicaid is a federal program, but it is administered locally at the state level. Medicaid covers medical, dental, and mental health services. If your grandkids qualify for Temporary Assistance to Needy Families (TANF) or Supplemental Security Income (SSI), they automatically qualify for Medicaid. But you will still need to file an application for Medicaid coverage separately.
• Children’s Health Insurance Program (CHIP) – If you make too much money to qualify for Medicaid, but are having trouble affording private health insurance for your grandkids, you may qualify for CHIP. The requirements and level of assistance varies from state to state, but in most cases, CHIP covers check-ups, vaccinations, prescriptions, and hospital visits.   

From HelpGuide.org - a trusted non-profit

Financial Help

Financial help for grandparents raising grandchildren

As every parent knows, raising children can be expensive. Grandparents face additional challenges. You may be on a fixed income, no longer working. If you weren't expecting it, you may not be prepared for the financial costs of suddenly taking on children.
If you’re struggling the make ends meet, you may want to look into federal and state financial assistance programs. There may also be financial resources and services available in your community to help with food, health care, and other expenses.

Temporary Assistance to Needy Families (TANF)

This program offers cash assistance for low-income families. There are different rules for receiving cash assistance, but eligibility is determined by residency, income, and assets. You may qualify to receive benefits as a family, or your grandchildren can receive benefits under the child only grant. With the child only grant, your grandchildren may be able to receive benefits until they are 18 (or 19 if they are still in high school). Cash assistance is limited to a lifetime total of 48 months.

Supplemental Security Income (SSI)

This program pays monthly cash benefits to families with mentally or physically disabled children. To qualify, families need to have a limited income.

Kinship foster care and Subsidized guardianships

As previously mentioned, you can receive financial assistance by applying formally to be your grandchild’s foster parent. Of course, this option is only available if the child has already been removed by the state from the parent’s home.
Another option is subsidized guardianship (although it is not available in all states). Similar to kinship foster care, this option offers some payments from the state to help meet the basic needs of the children. However, this option also allows grandparents the legal responsibility associated with a guardianship.

Financial support from the parents

In some cases, parents and grandparents are able to share responsibilities. One or both parents may contribute financially. If the parents are involved, sit down and make a plan with them. It may be uncomfortable to discuss financial issues with your children, but you want to make sure that you provide the best care for the grandchildren without neglecting your own financial needs for retirement and beyond.
Even if grandparents have legal custody or guardianship, parents can be asked to pay a specific child support amount. Some parents prefer such a formalized arrangement.

From HelpGuide.org - a trusted non-profit

Legal Relationship Options

Legal relationship options for grandparents raising grandchildren

Visit Helpquide's yellow pages for tips on finding legal aid

For more permanent and secure custody arrangements that give you broader legal protections, grandparents raising grandkids have three options:

• legal custody
• guardianship
• adoption

All three options require that you go to court. You will probably want to hire an attorney to help you through the process. If you can’t afford an attorney or need help applying for legal custody, contact your local legal aid office or bar association.

Legal custody (custody order)

The most common way to establish a legal relationship with your grandchildren is by getting a custody order from a judge. Unless the parent has voluntarily given up parental rights, you will most likely have to prove that the parent is unfit. But some states have laws that make it easier for relatives who already have physical custody to obtain legal status based on the best interests of the child.
Legal custody may not be permanent. However, once legal custody is awarded, your grandchildren’s parents will have to go to court if they want to get their kids back. If they prove that circumstances have changed and they are now able to care for their children, the court may return legal custody to them.

Guardianship

Guardianship is similar to legal custody, in that it is a legal relationship between you and your grandchild that is ordered by a court. As in legal custody, grandparents accept the day-to-day caregiving responsibilities for the child, while parents retain some of their rights. The primary difference is that guardianship is usually handled in probate court.
In some states, guardianships are more permanent than legal custody—remaining in effect until the child is 18). Sometimes, guardians also have more authority, including the ability to:

• make medical decisions on behalf of your grandchild
• add a grandchild your health insurance plan
• designate a standby guardian who can take care of your grandchild if and when you’re not able to

Adoption

Adoption is a permanent option where the grandparent receives all parental rights and responsibilities and the child's biological parents no longer have any rights. Once the adoption is complete, you become your grandchild’s legal “parent.”
Adoption can give a solid sense of permanency and stability for the grandchild, especially if the parents are never expected to be in the right place to give their all to the child. Adoption doesn't necessarily have to be adversarial. For example, sometimes families consider it if the birth parent is very young and not ready for the responsibilities of parenthood.

Custody Options for Grandparents Raising Grandchildren
Description	Grandparent’s Rights	Parent's Rights	Best Choice If...
Physical Custody	Grandparent has no legal right to make important decisions for child. With power of attorney from parent, grandparent's custody is strengthened	Parent can take child back and terminate power of attorney at any time Parent still has full legal rights	Grandparent and parent are in agreement
Legal Custody	Gives grandparents authority to make daily decisions regarding your grandchild’s welfare. May not be able to make medical decisions or add child to health insurance plan.	Parents have a right to visitation. Can request custody again someday (must petition the court).	Grandparent and parent are in agreement, with a good chance that parents will eventually take the child back
Guardianship	Gives grandparents authority to make daily decisions regarding your grandchild’s welfare. May offer more rights than legal custody.	Parents have a right to visitation. Can request custody again someday (must petition the court).	Grandparents desire long-term commitment and want authority to make decisions
Adoption	Grandparents have all authority over the child Grandparents become the permanent legal “parent”	Parents lose all rights Cannot request custody later	Grandparents want to ensure that you will raise