The relationship between you and your grandchild

The new relationship between you and your grandchild can be difficult.  You are not the parent, and you may not feel like a grandparent either. Both you and your grandchild may have to make an effort to understand new and different roles and rules for your relationship. The relationship each of you has with the child's parents may complicate the situation, and may require a lot of work and patience.

In some cases, the situation may cause you to think about the relationships you had with your own children.  Sometimes it is hard to think back on the kind of a parent you were. You may even feel guilty or blame yourself for your grandchild's situation and worry about repeating the same mistakes. Taking care of your grandchildren may seem like too much for you to handle.  One thing that may help is to talk with someone about how you are feeling and what you can do to help your grandchild in new ways. Many grandparents say that talking to other grandparents about how they are managing can be helpful. Sometimes, parenting happens on a day-by-day basis fixing the problems as they come. Coming to grips with the past will help you and your grandchild move into the future.

From University of Wisconsin Cooperative Extension

Breaking Negative Family Cycles

Some family characteristics are likely to be passed on from one generation to the next. The reasons may be due to genetics, similar ways of living, parenting styles, modeling of behaviors and coping strategies, or a combination of these and other factors. The good news is that positive, secure attachment relationships are often passed on to more than one generation. The bad news is that negative relationships and problems also can be passed on to more than one generation. These problems can include child abuse and neglect, alcohol and drug abuse, domestic violence, criminal behaviors, and mental illness.

Problems do not have to be passed from one generation to the next. Researchers looked at families where mothers either continued or broke away from family cycles of abuse. They found that abused mothers who did not abuse their own children had one or more of the following things going for them:

• They had a stable, supportive relationship with a husband or partner
• They had participated in therapy.
• They had received emotional support from a non-abusive adult during childhood.

From Grandparents Raising Grandchildren, University of Wisconsin Cooperative Extension

Why Grandparents Should Seek Legal Custody or Guardianship

From Parenting Grandparents, By Susan Adox

Grandparents who are raising grandchildren without benefit of any formal relationship are asking for trouble. Without a legal form of grandparent custody, a parent or parents can swoop in and take their children away from the grandparents who have been caring for them. Even worse -- and this occurs frequently -- the parent or parents can totally cut off contact between the grandparents and grandchildren.

Reasons Why Grandchildren Are Left in Grandparent Custody

Children are usually left in their grandparents' care because the parent or parents have problems, especially problems with substance abuse. Parents who have mental problems, marital problems and financial problems also frequently leave children with grandparents for extended periods of time. Obviously, many of these problems result from poor decision-making, so there is no reason to trust the parents to make good decisions where their children are concerned.

Reasons Why Parents Cut Off Grandparents

In the event that parents reclaim their children, they have several reasons for wishing to keep their children away from the grandparents:

• They may be jealous of the relationship that the grandparents have created with their grandchildren.
• They may feel that their parenting skills are constantly being compared to the abilities of the grandparents.
• They may be reminded whenever they see the grandparents of the lapses that caused them to give up their children in the first place.

For parents who are not psychologically whole, all of these feel like legitimate reasons for cutting off grandparents.

Reasons for Grandparent Reluctance

Grandparents frequently balk at legalizing their relationship with their grandchildren because they fear the reaction of the children's parents. They may be appalled at the prospect of causing a permanent rift between themselves and a child, no matter how dysfunctional that child may be as a parent. The other obstacles that grandparents face have to do with the legal system. Many grandparents lack both a degree of comfort with the legal system and the funds necessary to get legal advice.
When grandparents are dealing with the new and consuming task of caring for grandchildren, it's very easy to let legal matters slide. They shouldn't. Instead they should motivate themselves by contemplating the prospect of being cut off completely from their grandchildren.
A number of agencies and organizations are devoted to helping grandparents raising grandchildren, and free legal advice is often available from Legal Aid or similar agencies. Grandparents may be able to file some of the paperwork themselves, which can cut down on legal costs considerably.

New Support for Grandparents Raising Kids

Cities start to dedicate housing to these families

By Rich Thomaselli for Grandparents.com

Cities across the country are starting to recognize the need to offer financial assistance to grandparents raising grandchildren.

The city of Newark, N.J., in March became the latest municipality to do just that, when the City Council approved a $525,000 loan to build a housing development for seniors raising their grandchildren. The Newark Star-Ledger reported the project is believed to be the first of its kind in the city.

Although the newspaper reported that Boston has been at the forefront of the movement — the city used a combination of public money and private donations to build a $4 million housing complex in 1997 for grandparents raising their grandchildren — awareness of the problem has only intensified more recently.

According to AARP, 4.5 million children are being raised in households headed by grandparents, and another 1.5 million in households headed by other relatives. Of those 6 million, AARP research shows that 2.5 million children are without their parents.
And it isn’t just the elderly raising the kids. AARP data showed that the average age of a first-time grandparent is 48, and the average age of grandparents raising children falls into the 50- to 59-year-old group — a time when many older adults are preparing for retirement.
More social challenges have disrupted the traditional grandparent relationship. Substance abuse, HIV/AIDS, incarceration, death, and financial difficulties are all contributing factors to the changing dynamic of grandparents and relatives serving as caregivers.

Deborah Whitley, the director of the National Center on Grandparents Raising Grandchildren, a research center at the University of Georgia, told the Star-Ledger that one of the biggest challenges for grandparents is finding affordable housing. Fortunately, she said, politicians are reacting.

“Finding accommodations that serve both of these needs at the same time is a trend that is being addressed across the nation,” Whitley said.

In Chicago, the nonprofit Renaissance Collaborative is helping to develop a "senior campus" in the city that will feature three buildings: an affordable apartment building for seniors, an assisted-living building, and an apartment building for grandfamilies.
“Seniors have needs and kids have needs. But they all need a supportive environment,” Patricia Abrams, executive director of Renaissance Collaborative, told the Chicago Tribune.
Similar housing has been built in Los Angeles and New York.

The Grandparent - Grandchild Relationship

As grandparents we all want to make the most of the precious family time we get to spend with our grandchildren. You can create deep, loving relationships with your grandchildren by sharing the things you love and by learning about what excites them. Whether you’re a full-time grandparent, a step-grandparent, or a long distance grandparent living thousands of miles away, you can find new ways to strengthen family ties and provide your grandchildren with joyful memories and valuable life lessons.

What's so grand about being a grandparent?

In no particular order, grandparenting is an opportunity to play, to love someone new, to appreciate the magic of a developing mind, and to be needed by someone again. Grandparents can:

• Share the things they're passionate about with a new audience.
• See the world in a new way through younger eyes.
• Experience games, music, nature, reading, and other interests in conjunction with a curious young mind.
• Provide expanded support and encouragement to their grandchildren.
• Use their breadth of experience to avoid the pitfalls they may have encountered as parents the first time around.
• Watch children develop through all stages of growth.
• Learn about their grandkids' music and passions.
• Provide input that parents cannot.

Usually, grandparents have the benefit of interacting on a level that is once removed from the day-to-day responsibilities of parents. This can make it easier to develop a close bond with grandchildren. From near or far, grandparenting can provide continuity in a child's life. Grandparents are often the family historians, and can add a rich sense of family tradition to a child's life. Additionally, contact with grandparents can teach children positive attitudes towards aging and help them develop skills to enhance their own lifelong learning.
Of course, not everything about being a grandparent is great all of the time. Becoming a grandparent at a young age can make some people feel prematurely old and, just as parents do, grandparents sometimes have to deal with colicky babies and moody teenagers. For most though, the benefits of being a grandparent far outweigh the drawbacks.

The role of a grandparent in a child's life

There are as many different roles for grandparents as there are different family configurations and needs. Some grandparenting requires a full-time commitment. For others, grandparenting is a weekend together, an afternoon play date, a summer vacation, a chat on the phone, or an email exchange every now and then.
A good first step to a long and successful relationship with your grandchild is to establish some ground rules with your son or daughter:

• Be clear about what role you want to have in your grandchild's life. How often you want to babysit, for example, or whether you’d like to be included in events such as school functions.
• Talk with parents about their rules. Consistency is important for kids, so know the behavior limits your grandchild has to follow at home and maintain the rules when he or she is with you.
• Enforce any agreed upon punishment for bad behavior, whether it’s a “time out” or loss of privileges, for example.
• Baby proof your home, to ensure safety for infants and toddlers. It may have been a number of years since you had young children in your home, so it’s important to check with your grandchild’s parents about ways to baby proof your home to ensure they’re comfortable leaving the child with you.

Common grandparenting pitfalls to avoid

Whatever your specific circumstances, by expressing love, showing concern for your grandchild's safety and wellbeing, and being consistent in your behavior, you are already doing a good job of grandparenting.
To avoid potential conflict within your family, try to avoid these common grandparenting pitfalls:

• Trying to be the parent. As much as you might want to tell your children how to raise your grandkids, it’s not your role. Respect the parenting decisions your children make for your grandkids.
• Buying your grandkids’ affection. It’s tempting for grandparents to shower their grandkids with gifts, but check with the child's parents before you buy more toys. Maybe substitute some of your gift giving with activities instead. Do something with your grandchild that you both love and will build memories.
• Overindulging the first few grandchildren and then not being able to repeat it as additional grandchildren come along. This can cause resentment from your own children who have kids later in life. Remember that whatever you do for your first grandchild (college fund, beach vacations, trips to the zoo) will set a precedent that you’ll need to repeat for every other grandchild.
• Ignoring boundaries. A grandparent who won’t enforce limits and gives in to their grandchild’s every whim can infuriate parents. By allowing your grandkids to misbehave, overindulge in candy and junk food, or ignore bedtimes, for example, you’re only encouraging unhealthy behavior and making their parents’ job even harder. 

From HelpGuide.org - a trusted non-profit

Road Trip Boredom Busters

Taking a road trip over Spring Break? The family road trip can be a time to bond and learn about each other's interests and points of view — or an ordeal that makes you want to scream every time you hear "Are we there yet?" from your kids.

A road trip can be a fun, educational, and sane experience with just a little planning, creativity, and preparation. Sure, electronic games, apps, and portable DVD players are great distractions. But don't overlook these family-friendly games and activities that can keep everyone happy as the miles go by.

Can-Do Cards

Don't underestimate the power of a deck of cards. It presents endless possibilities for all ages and can provide hours of entertainment and concentration. If your kids are sick of the standard Go Fish, Crazy Eights, and Rummy games, buy — or borrow from your local library — a kids' card games book for new ideas. Or buy a deck of quiz or trivia cards to keep their brains busy.

Contest Craze

Hold an official family spelling bee or trivia contest using index cards to write down words or questions. Winners can earn trinkets, stickers, activity or coloring books, trading cards, food treats, money (the younger the child, the smaller the amount), or extra minutes of hotel pool time or stay-up-late time.

Good Ol' Games

Use the fallback road-trip games — 20 Questions, the License Plate Game, and I Spy.

Try the Alphabet Game. Pick a topic (for instance, animals) and a letter (A), then have everyone name animals that begin with that letter, like aardvark, antelope, ape. The best thing about this game is that kids can pick a topic of interest — cars, TV characters, countries, cities, foods, names, etc. — and there are 26 possibilities (one for each letter) for every topic.

Make the games into marathons, awarding special treats or trinkets to whoever wins each round. Then have lightning rounds or finals for extra-special awards.

Journal Jotting

Buy cheap but sturdy journals (or use plain notebooks or create your own from construction paper, hole puncher, and yarn) and have kids write down and describe what they see along the way. Have them collect something small (a stone, a seashell, a flower, etc.) or buy a super-small trinket from rest stops (buttons, stickers, postcards, etc.) to glue into their journal, describing each stop and each location or landmark they pass.

Bring along a stack of old magazines and have kids cut out and paste pictures into their journals to illustrate some of what they've seen (cows, fire trucks, palm trees, deer, cars, etc.). Give each kid a disposable camera to capture their own memories and keep the pictures in their personal road-trip journals.

Make It Magnetic

Stock up on a few super-cheap magnetic games (like tic-tac-toe, checkers, etc.) at the local dollar store or at gift shops along the way.

Map Quest

Bring a large map (or smaller map book that little hands can better handle) just for the kids. Have them use stickers and highlighters to mark each road you take on your journey.

Road Trip Box to the Rescue

Find a sturdy cardboard box or hat box (one for each child) and paint the top with chalkboard paint (black or green). Stock the box with tons of handy-dandy arts and crafts items and playthings: chalk, chalkboard eraser, washable markers, crayons, pocket-sized coloring books, colored pencils, scrap paper, mini dry erase board, dry erase marker and cloth eraser, construction paper, stickers, stencils, colored pipe cleaners, Popsicle sticks, tape, colored tape, mini pom-poms, child-safe scissors, hole puncher, yarn, and small dolls or action figures.

Long road trips are a great time to put kids' imaginations to the test to create puppets, masks, journals, and more.

Silence Is Golden

When all else fails, use the standby game "See Who Can Be the Quietest." After hours of singing and crafting, your little ones just might appreciate the challenge of not saying a peep. Make prizes worth their while, with incentives such as money (quarters, a dollar), gift-shop trinkets or games, and a few extra minutes at the hotel pool or staying up a few minutes longer that night.

Sing, Sing a Song

Bone up on sing-along songs. Or buy or make a tape or CD of "round" songs (like "Row, Row, Row Your Boat," "Three Blind Mice," etc.) or sing-along/participation songs ("Old MacDonald," "B-I-N-G-O") that will get everyone — even the most tone-deaf — involved. Buy a kazoo or plastic harmonica for every family member for added accompaniment.

Team Storytelling

Ask each family member to create a line for a story (e.g.,"There once was a boy name Hugh..."), then have everyone add a line until you're all stumped ("who lived in the town's biggest zoo" ... "he often had nothing to do" ... "so he decided to make an igloo" ... "with a big polar bear named Sue"...).

To make things really interesting, go as fast as you can, rhyme as much as possible, and take turns out of order (pointing to someone new each time). Write down the story as you go, then have kids create drawings to coordinate with your silly tale. When you're done, you'll have your own custom-made family story.

This information was provided by Willis-Knighton Health System. For more medically reviewed health information written for parents, kids, and teens visit <www.wkhs.com>. ©2008 The Nemours Foundation/KidsHealth. Used under license.

Sending Messages of Love to Your Grandchild

Every child (and adult) needs to be reminded often that people love and value him or her. It's easy to get so busy that we forget to send these messages, or we send them poorly, or we only send messages of anger.

We make lists everyday for mundane things. Why not make a list to remind yourself to take time out to send messages of love to your grandchild? Nothing could be more important!

As you read the following list, think of each of your grandchildren and consider whether this method would be effective for you. Write the name of the grandchild in the blanks to show which message each child may need.

__________________ Say, "I love you."
__________________ Take a bike ride together.
__________________ Hug the child.
__________________ Take a nature walk together.
__________________ Say, "I sure enjoy being with you."
__________________ Make a trip to the library together. Research a topic of interest to the child. Check out books for you to read to him or him to read to you.
__________________ Say, "I sure am glad you're my grandchild."
__________________ Work on a craft together: sculpt with clay or playdough, build with sticks, sew, draw.
__________________ Work on a hobby together; writing, stamp collecting, woodworking.
__________________ Give the child a back-rub.
__________________ Sit with the child and talk.
__________________ Arm-wrestle, thumb-wrestle, or play a game involving physical exertion. (Be sure the child has a good chance to win!)
__________________ Visit a relative or neighbor.
__________________ Thank the child for helping (or trying to help). Go to a park and swing together.
__________________ Build a playhouse with the child, even if it's only a sheet thrown over a table. Then play in the playhouse together.
__________________ Have the child help you with grocery shopping.
__________________ Have the child sit on your lap or close to you while reading, talking, or watching television.
__________________ Give the child an "Eskimo kiss" (rub noses).
__________________ Other:


From: The University of Georgia College of Agriculture and Environmental Sciences & Family and Consumer Science.