Behaviors as communication: What is your grandchild trying to tell you?

Young children often do not have the language skills to clearly put words to their thoughts and feelings. You'll have to take clues from their behavior to try to understand what they're trying to communicate.

Sometimes, children act out to get attention because they feel sad or neglected. Other times, children withdraw from the environment and ignore special people in their lives. This does not mean they don't care about those people. Sometimes children act in certain ways because they don't know any other way to express themselves.

Understanding your grandchild's behaviors may be easy. It's not as simple as "If my grandchild does X, he's feeling Y." Children (and adults) are not that straightforward. One behavior can express a number of different things. Understanding the child and the stuation can help you figure out what the behaviors mean.

The source of a child's behaviors can depend on a lot of different things. Understanding these factors is important. It is one key to helping you understand what your grandchildren are saying when they behave in ways that are confusing or troublesome.

Factors within the child:

• age
• developmental level (especially language skills)
• child's temperament (is the child usually busy, calm, fussy, or pleasant?)
• gender
• physical well-being (is the child hungry, tired, or sick?)
• emotional well-being (is the child stressed or depressed?)

Factors within the family:

• quality of family relationships
• communication styles in the family
• time spent together
• what has the child been told about the situation?
• what does the child know about the situation?

Factors within the situation:

• how recent are the changes in the child's life?
• school environment
• quality of friendships
• neighborhood factors
• grandparents' job
• other stressors and supports

Credits

Authors

Julie Poehlmann, Ph. D.

Assistant Professor

Human Development and Family

Studies

Waisman Center

University of Wisconsin-Madison

Mary Brintnall-Peterson, Ph. D.

Professor, Family Living Programs

University of Wisconsin–Extension

Rebecca Shlafer

Research Intern

Human Development and Family

Studies

University of Wisconsin-Madison

Kari Morgan, Ph. D.

Former Program Specialist

Family Living Programs

University of Wisconsin Extension

Problems in Communication

Some situations prevent open communication. Sometimes the grandparent is in control of communication between the parent and the grandchild. When  a parent is in prison or jail, the only way a young chld can contact him or her is through another adult--usually the grandparent. The grandparent is responsible for travel to the prison, calling the parent, mailing cards or letters, etc. This role can add more stress for a grandparent who already has a difficult job.

Sometimes it's hard to know what a parent will do, which can be hard on you as well as your grandchild. When a parent drops in without warning, other family members can be caught off guard. They may become angry, making your grandchild feel insecure. Helping your grandchild understand by talking openly about his or her feelings can make the situation easier.

What children are told about the situation may not reflect what they learn on their own. Children can read people's emotions by what they hear, see, and feel. They hear adults talking or piece together bits of information. Often they understand more than adults think they do.

When deciding what to tell your grandchildren about the situation, it's important to consider thei age and developmental skills. The following tips may help:

1. Avoid telling the child too much.  Many children are simple too young to understand the whole story. When grandparents tell a young child all of the details of the situation, they may be doing more harm than good.  Too much information can be confusing, scary, and overwhelming for the child.

2. Avoid telling the child too little or nothing at all. Kids are smart. They will pick up tidbits about their situation, even if the details are not discussed directly. If children learn about what's going on from someone else, they could feel urt, deceived, and confused. They may avoid asking you questions or talking to you about other important concerns because they think certain topics are "off limits."

3. Never twist the facts or lie to the child. Even young children know the difference between the truth and a lie. They often piece together information, but then are afraid to talk about the truth. Some people may twist the facts in an effort to protect the child. But that approach often backfires. When children are told untruths about the situation, they may become very confused, angry, and hurt. The best strategy is to be honest with your grandchildren, at their level of understanding. Your grandchildren will learn the importance of trust and honesty in relationships.

When talking with any child, it is important to keep in mind his or her skills and limits.

The Importance of Open Communication

Open communication means taking the time to listen, explaining facts in simple and honest ways, and clearly expressing your thoughts and feelings. Families that communicate openly listen and talk with one another. The lines of communication need to go both directions.

Open communication can help make life changes easier for a child. It can help children understand that behaviors go along with thoughts and feelings. For example, if you're upset with something your grandchild has done, explaining why will help him recognize what made Grandma or Grandpa angry and it will help him to change his behavior.

In many situations, open communication between grandparents, parents, and children is not possible. Sometimes no one may know where the parent is living. Or, for legal reasons, the parent may not be allowed to see the child. Relationships may have a lot of problems. When there are two parents and two sets of grandparents, open communication may be more difficult.

Open communication between you and your grandchild is essential. If possible, talk honestly and openly with your grandchildren in a way that they will understand. Having someone they trust to talk with--and get answers from--helps children feel safe and understood. Open communication is important for a positive relationship.

Although it may be out of your control, having your grandchild stay in touch with his or her parent can be helpful. Staying in touch on a regular basis with their parents can be reassuring and comforting to your grandchildren. Not knowing when or if they will hear from their parents is very hard for children.

After talking with a parent, either in person or on the phone, children may seem upset. They may feel confused. In most cases, being upset doesn't mean children shouldn't talk to their parents, Instead, make sure you take time to help them "debrief" and to express their feelings.

Credits

Authors

Julie Poehlmann, Ph. D.

Assistant Professor

Human Development and Family

Studies

Waisman Center

University of Wisconsin-Madison

Mary Brintnall-Peterson, Ph. D.

Professor, Family Living Programs

University of Wisconsin–Extension

Rebecca Shlafer

Research Intern

Human Development and Family

Studies

University of Wisconsin-Madison

Kari Morgan, Ph. D.

Former Program Specialist

Family Living Programs

University of Wisconsin Extension

Kick Up Your Halloween Food Fun!

http://www.grandparents.com/food-and-leisure/holiday-recipes/cool-ghoul-cupcakes-recipe

 Instructions:

1. Green Goblin
Sour gummy candy rings and straws, white and green jelly beans, mini chocolate chips

2. Witchy Ways
Mini candy-coated chocolates, dyed coconut, chocolate cookie, sugar cone, purchased green icing

3. Going Batty
Halved chocolate wafer cookie, candy-coated chocolate piece, sprinkles, purchased green icing

4. So Spooked
White candy-coated almonds, puffed cocoa cereal

5. Alien Invasion
Dark chocolate-covered almonds

6. Peek A Boo
Sliced marshmallow, small mint candies, candy-coated chocolate piece, sugar

7. Whooo’s There?
Oval chocolate cookie, cashew, fruit-flavor candy circles, shaved coconut, pretzel rods, mini chocolate chips

8. Under Wraps
Candy-coated chocolate pieces, purchased green and white icing

9. Ghostly Figure
White fondant cookie-cutter cutout


Thank you grandparents.com for some great fun food ideas for the grandkids!

Developing Attachment Relationships

Understanding how children form relationships with others is important in helping children learn to communicate and behave. The following list describes the usual path children take when developing attachment relationships.

 

1. Pre-attachment

• Birth to 6 weeks
• Babies are in close contact with caregivers
• Caregivers meet babies' needs for food and comfort
• Most babies do not get upset when left with a stranger

2. Attachment in the making

• 6 weeks to 6-8 months
• Children begin to respond to attachment figures in special ways (for example, a baby may calm down more easily for his mother than he would for another person)
• Late in this phase, children express distress with strange people and objects; they may cry or fuss if a stranger tries to hold them for the first time.

3. Clear-cut attachment

• 6-8 months to 18-24 months
• Nearly all children have formed an attachment relationship by this time
• Children show great distress when their caregiver leaves. A child may cry or have a tantrum when her mom leaves for work or when left with a babysitter.
• Children find a sense of security from caregivers who respond with understanding, openness, and love

4. Reciprocal relationships

• 18-24 months and older
• If they have learned to expect comfort, safety, and love, children feel secure when the caregiver is gone for a short period of time
• If the caregiver is gone for long periods of time, children become very unhappy
• Children form other relationships based on these early relationships

Questions to ask yourself...

• What was your relationship with your grandchild prior to the present living arrangement? How would you describe your relationship now?
• What does the child know about the situation ( ex. where his or her parents are)? How has it been explained?
• Is this a temporary or permanent change for the child? If temporary, how long will it last?
• How are you feeling about parenting your grandchild? Do you have someone you can talk to about your feelings?

 

 Reference: Bowllby,J.Attachment and Loss. 3 vols. New York:Basic Books, 1969-1980)

Authors:

Julie Poehlmann, Ph. D.Assistant Professor Human Development and Family Studies, Waisman Center, University of Wisconsin-Madison

Mary Brintnall-Peterson, Ph. D. Professor, Family Living Programs, University of Wisconsin–Extension

Rebecca Shlafer Research InternHuman Development and Family Studies, University of Wisconsin-Madison

Kari Morgan, Ph. D Former Program Specialist Family Living Programs, University of Wisconsin Extension

Positive Attachment Figures

Most children have a few attachment figures in their lives. An attachment figure typically cares for the child physically and emotionally, is someone the child can count on, and has an emotional attachment to the child. Most grandparents raising grandchildren meet these standards.

People who have a positive attachment relationship with a child share the following characteristics:

• Sensitive
• Loving
• Available
• Close by
• Stable
• Open
• Responsive
• Affectionate
• Trustworthy
• Consistent

Although most children develop several attachment relationships, the quality of these relationships may be different. Four types of attachment relationships have been studied: one is a secure type and three are insecure types. The secure attachment relationship is ideal for a child's healthy development. A child with an insecure attachment relationship may... 

•  avoid close relationships
• feel conflicted about close relationships or
• feel confused and fearful about close relationships.

Many studies have examined children's attachment relationships and their effects on development. A good relationship with a positive attachment figure can have important, long-lasting effects on a child's development. A healthy relationship is shown to:

• enhance a child's pretend play
• promote a child's healthy exploration
• enrich a child's educational experiences in school
• lead to healthy self-concepts and self-understanding
• increase a child's confidence
• increase a child's learning through experimentation
• lead to positive relationships with friends.

From: "The Importance of Close Relationships, Grandparents Raising Grandchildren, University of Wisconsin Extension

Authors

Julie Poehlmann, Ph. D.Assistant Professor Human Development and Family Studies, Waisman Center, University of Wisconsin-Madison

Mary Brintnall-Peterson, Ph. D. Professor, Family Living Programs, University of Wisconsin–Extension

Rebecca Shlafer Research InternHuman Development and Family Studies, University of Wisconsin-Madison

Kari Morgan, Ph. D Former Program Specialist Family Living Programs, University of Wisconsin Extension

Importance of Attachment