Breaking Negative Family Cycles

Some family characteristics are likely to be passed on from one generation to the next. The reasons may be due to genetics, similar ways of living, parenting styles, modeling of behaviors and coping strategies, or a combination of these and other factors. The good news is that positive, secure attachment relationships are often passed on to more than one generation. The bad news is that negative relationships and problems also can be passed on to more than one generation. These problems can include child abuse and neglect, alcohol and drug abuse, domestic violence, criminal behaviors, and mental illness.

Problems do not have to be passed from one generation to the next. Researchers looked at families where mothers either continued or broke away from family cycles of abuse. They found that abused mothers who did not abuse their own children had one or more of the following things going for them:

• They had a stable, supportive relationship with a husband or partner
• They had participated in therapy.
• They had received emotional support from a non-abusive adult during childhood.

From Grandparents Raising Grandchildren, University of Wisconsin Cooperative Extension

Why Grandparents Should Seek Legal Custody or Guardianship

From Parenting Grandparents, By Susan Adox

Grandparents who are raising grandchildren without benefit of any formal relationship are asking for trouble. Without a legal form of grandparent custody, a parent or parents can swoop in and take their children away from the grandparents who have been caring for them. Even worse -- and this occurs frequently -- the parent or parents can totally cut off contact between the grandparents and grandchildren.

Reasons Why Grandchildren Are Left in Grandparent Custody

Children are usually left in their grandparents' care because the parent or parents have problems, especially problems with substance abuse. Parents who have mental problems, marital problems and financial problems also frequently leave children with grandparents for extended periods of time. Obviously, many of these problems result from poor decision-making, so there is no reason to trust the parents to make good decisions where their children are concerned.

Reasons Why Parents Cut Off Grandparents

In the event that parents reclaim their children, they have several reasons for wishing to keep their children away from the grandparents:

• They may be jealous of the relationship that the grandparents have created with their grandchildren.
• They may feel that their parenting skills are constantly being compared to the abilities of the grandparents.
• They may be reminded whenever they see the grandparents of the lapses that caused them to give up their children in the first place.

For parents who are not psychologically whole, all of these feel like legitimate reasons for cutting off grandparents.

Reasons for Grandparent Reluctance

Grandparents frequently balk at legalizing their relationship with their grandchildren because they fear the reaction of the children's parents. They may be appalled at the prospect of causing a permanent rift between themselves and a child, no matter how dysfunctional that child may be as a parent. The other obstacles that grandparents face have to do with the legal system. Many grandparents lack both a degree of comfort with the legal system and the funds necessary to get legal advice.
When grandparents are dealing with the new and consuming task of caring for grandchildren, it's very easy to let legal matters slide. They shouldn't. Instead they should motivate themselves by contemplating the prospect of being cut off completely from their grandchildren.
A number of agencies and organizations are devoted to helping grandparents raising grandchildren, and free legal advice is often available from Legal Aid or similar agencies. Grandparents may be able to file some of the paperwork themselves, which can cut down on legal costs considerably.